Stuck in a rut…

Well in this coming month I am turning the big 3-0 and it feels like I am having a quarter life crisis all over again. I am currently just not very satisfied with my work or life situation. My hours are being cut and I am feeling very overworked and under appreciated. However, this is a part-time gig so what else did I expect.

To top it off my financial situation has not been that great considering I have had a new computer to pay for, a car I will be paying off tell my mid 30’s and now I am in desperate need to renovate my room so it feels like an apartment and not like a person who lives with her parents room. I also just desperately want to clean it out so that by the time I move out I will have a lot less stuff to lug with me.

Also, I have had people such as family and friends asking me about what the heck I am doing with my life and I would like to tell them I will get back to them hell when I know I am still figuring it out.  This just does not thrill me at all and is most of the reason I do not tell my coworkers my age or educational background because I am afraid it would turn my life into a 20 question round robin about what I am doing with my life. I have figured out that I don’t want to teach community college at least. I am not sure if I want to teach high school or teach period. While, I do have a masters in English literature and while my intention was to use that degree to teach community college I am not sure if that is what I want to do anymore.

I think the problem is that all my annoyance and anger and depression about this situation is that I am taking it out on the people I care about. I have taken to locking my self in my room and not leaving unless I am eating or clean my room. Also,  I have had two Gilmore Girl style breakdowns since this upcoming b-day.  Also, my significant other has had to deal with all this so I feel bad for him, when him and I both have our own shit to deal with in life to be blunt. He has taken to the being numb approach since he turned 30 six months ago, this is not an approach I want to take when it comes to this big birthday.

The other men in my life who are friends have taken the approach of this big birthday that has passed to try to get their lives together be it through leaving the Central Valley, or quitting their jobs to start a new adventure somewhere else. Unfortunately, I think living in the Central Valley makes you feel like you are a Dickens character in that one cannot began their life anew until they are living somewhere else other than where they grew up, fell in love, etc.

I think this analogy is quite apt considering I live in a city where that is known for its brain drain, high pollution, crime and obesity statistics. Most students who have a BA or higher go elsewhere because landing a professional decent paying job is like winning the lottery or you have to know someone who knows someone etc.  Also, I suck at networking so I have to work my ass off to have any hope of finding a decent position.  I am one of those people who would rather get to know and like people for who they are and the networking connection is just a fringe benefit of knowing them. I plan to remedy this to some extent with meetup groups with people who have the same interests as me so I can at least  have some sort of social life outside of work, job hunting, seeing my significant other, etc….

So my questions to all my readers out there of all ages is what have you done when you feel like your life has been just stuck in general and how did you overcome it..any tips or suggestions are greatly appreciated…

Limbo..

Lately my life feels like it is stuck in perpetual limbo, I am in a job I like but don’t love, life is good not great and I have not yet left the nest at the ripe old age of I am not gonna finish that sentence. Also, I live in the central valley which is the land of limbo/ wild wild west/ tale of two cities combined I say this because there is a big dichotomy in this  town in between the haves and have nots. Also, getting a government or professional job here is like winning the lottery because it has full time and has benefits. Most, people here like in the wild wild west have to make their own way here. It is not a bad thing, even any thing it just motivates you more to do whatever you want to in life whatever that is. Which, would be great for me if I knew what that was.

So, along with trying to figure it all out, a person who I thought I was close to has not contacted me in seven months, and while this person may have been busy potential working two jobs. I have not received a call or text or anything or even a response about why they are not talking to me. Is this normal, have manners gone out the window.., at this point I would take an annoyed response about my behavior, at least then I would no where I stand. In this “friendship”, if you can even call it that tell then I am stuck in limbo trying to figure out where I stand with this person. I am curious if anyone else has gone through anything similar with say a person they have known for over a decade.

This also makes me wondering if people these days are all stuck in limbo trying to figure out their next move like a chess game.  I mean with some people and work places you know what to expect but in some these occasions behaviors and actions can befuddle some people, me included.  I think for me I would like to get out the metaphorical dentists office and have my name be called on the level of finding my calling and being called, but I hate the dentist but am not in a rush for that either…

Where has all the good butternut squash soup gone?

I live in the central valley, the produce center of California. One would think I could find a good brand of butternut squash soup already made that does not taste horrible. I am sorely mistaken the Campbell’s stuff used to up to par not so much anymore, the soup at Whole Foods cost up to seven dollars and seems to be geared towards people with very specific needs. Fresh and Easy used to have the best butternut squash soup at a decent price even but I guess that stopped using their supplier and I can’t seem to find it any where. I have even tried the Panera butternut squash to soup but I would only say that it is okay and I would not have it once a month if given the opportunity, even though I love their sandwiches, baked goods and some of their other soups. I know, you are thinking why is this person caring so much at butternut squash soup.

Well, the thing between my new job and hardly seeing my so and trying to improve my life, that soup was one of the few good things I had to look forward to when I was sick or had a crappy day.  I remember when I had just finished my masters thesis and was sick for a month and I lived off Fresh and Easy’s butternut squash soup and rosemary rolls. To top it off since I am still trying to diet and lose weight this soup is low in carbohydrates and good for you.

Don’t you have one of those foods that even when nothing is going your way that at least that is a consistent thing in your life that you could always depend on to some extent. Well, that was this soup for me.

I know I should just woman up and make the soup from scratch but considering I am grateful to have the energy to make salads at home, at salads at home since it is the one of the few times during the day I can be creative and nothing is dictated to me about how I organized my salads, or how much of a mess I make while making it and it still looks pretty and taste good by the end of the day than I am happy.  I guess for me food like soup or salads seems to reveal how I would like some control in my life in a world where their is very little that one can control in the first place.

So readers this leaves me wondering should I continue my quest for a good butternut squash soup or pray I find an easy recipe online that puts Fresh and Easy to shame?

Redifing gender roles…

Alright so for the past couple days my mom has been sick which sucks since work has been kicking my butt as usual. But I have been trying to pull my weight around the house by helping with dishes or whatever I can reasonably do and still get enough sleep for work. The thing is our family really needed to go grocery shopping and my step bro said that he would not be able to do this because he had suddenly decided that he was writing a horror novel. Also, the one night he could have helped he was writing his “novel”. This same guy won’t help with dishes because of his skin issues. I think this irks because even when unemployed or working I have helped with dishes, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. While, he decides now to become a writer so obviously he cannot be disturbed and my parents also said nothing when he spent his whole time playing league of legends.

I am just wondering if I have walked into a time machine into the 1950’s in which the boys plays games all days and the woman do all the house work on top of their own job. The weird thing is my dad who would be defined as a guys guy is participating in a Christmas cookie exchange and this is not a man who typically bakes and this would be seen as a typically female activity.  Also, my dad is making cookies with a packaged mix but its the thought that counts and he is the only man participating in this cookie exchange. This just makes me wonder when it comes to a man’s gender roles should men behave like my dad or more like my step brother?

Also, does he have to be one or the other can he both, I just think men like women need to be malleable about their gender roles in and outside of the household. For instance, I have a step dad who does the laundry, and the same step brother is obsessed with brand name cologne and making sure he wears lotion and I am pretty sure spends more time on his hair than I do.

In a world where the man are taking on the supposed “female/girly” activities, and women are becoming their own boss and taking over the world, where do one’s gender roles in society begin and end?

Long time no blog…

I don’t know if I am happy or indifferent to report that the reason that I have not blogged for the past couple months is because I have gotten a job. I have had this job for the past couple of months and sometimes it feels like I am still learning the ropes and praying to many gods that I do not get fired because I am that paranoid.  It took me seven weeks just to feel competent and I suspect will be proving to my many higher ups that I know what I am doing and am a competent worker. However I have had a friend ask me whether this job is the right job or a good fit?  The thing is I had been unemployed for the past ten months the fact that anyone hired me at all in this town where getting a job is like winning the lotto was enough for me.

Also, I have learned when applying to places that sometimes or rather most times they will not leave you a message these days and you have to track them down just to land an interview. It was from this I realized that other places had called me and I did not receive their messages. Also, I did get lots of calls for interviews for seasonal work but I know for sure I want something that will last even it is part time, it pays the rent and I get to feel productive.

However, my life for the past couple months have been chaos as I have not been taking care of my self and have the fatty liver thing again along with high cholesterol. The good news is that I have lost 15 pounds in the the past four to five months and am half way to my goal weight of 125lbs. My hope is when I see my doctor before Christmas that I can get back on b-control because being off is throwing me and my emotions for a loop and I am more itchy than I would like to be. Also, I have a wound up nutritionist who reminds me of the mom from the George Lopez show, and has me on a strict low carb, low sugar, and low fat diet, where my one joy in life other than seeing my friends or occasionally reading is making pretty salads. My limit is 75 to 99 carbs a day which seems a bit low considering how much heavy lifting and pacing I do at work. I admit I have gone over but even when I am being good I still end up being hungry at the end of the night. I am hoping by January she loosens the reigns on my diet a bit at the very list I can be in the triple digits for carbs. It has been a crazy couple months and I am still trying to figure things out.

I have decided that two potential career choices I would like to pursue while crazy is trying to become a writer in a world where everybody can seem to become a writer and get paid for it. I would  also like to work for the EEOC to defend the little guy.  Also, when I am not working so much this week I will do a post for receiving the lovely blog award and try to catch up on my blogging 101 homework.  Sorry for this tangential blog, after this I plan to try to post more often I hope.

My top 5 blog follows…

Alright well I follow way more than five people and even though I have had on many more blogs to follow on my blog reader. I will tell my readers my top 5 blogs of this moment that I like to read whenever I get the chance.

1.  http://oneawkwardyear.wordpress.com/- This blog feels like it may as well describe my life, since the blogger herself is awkward and goofy and proud of it.  Also, am all for any blogger that will get a Gilmore girl reference.

2. http://amapofcalifornia.wordpress.com/I love this blog for so many reasons it is beautifully written, he makes cogent points, and most times it feels more like I am reading an academic essay with a personal touch rather than a blog. Also, I love how he describes his search for employment and all the ups and downs and it gives hope for  the rest of us.  I was thrilled when I found out he got a job.

3. http://cookiesandsangria.com/- I love that this a blog that is obsessed with Amy Phoeler from Parks and Rec and Gilmore Girls as I am.   For me this blog is my pop culture haven that will occasionally inform you about important things such as net neutrality.

4. http://brockheasley.com/- I love this blog because it gives an in-depth perspective of being unemployed on a day to day basis.

5. http://girlslikegiants.wordpress.com/- this is a new blog I just discovered and now want to write essays for about feminism in media and popular culture, since I am pretty sure I spent most of graduate school writing essays about this

Pudding…

Alright well this post goes out to my dream reader, as it is an in depth analysis of Gilmore Girls Season one episode six titled “Rory’s Birthday Parties”.  For me this episode is significant because it is viewed as Emily Gilmore’s  attempts to try to connect with her daughter and grand daughter.  Her first attempt is by serving “pudding” at Friday night dinner. Now, while this  might not seem significant Emily is an upper class woman which is shown when Rory comments “I have never had pudding in a crystal bowl before”(1.6).  So while it is pudding it is fancy pudding.  Lorelai even comments later when talking to Sookie about Rory’s birthday parties that “I’s sure it was some expensive form of pudding, but it was pudding none the less!”(1.6).

Emily’s second attempt to connect with younger generations is when she offers to throw Rory’s birthday party at their house that may as well be a version of a small castle.  She tells Lorelai that her and Rory will come their and have “a little party”(1.6).  She wants to do this on Friday night since this is Rory’s birthday even though Lorelai would like to celebrate her birthday that night. So Rory the “lucky” girl she is gets two parties one on Friday and Saturday night(1.6).  Even though Rory and Sookie would rather just celebrate her birthday on Friday and Rory comments “You couldn’t get her to cave”(1.6).  These parties represent a part of contention through out this entire episode.  But, this as much to do with class issues presented as the parties themselves.

But prior to these parties Emily then tries to connect with her daughter through by asking her to go shopping for Rory’s birthday present and to get something “that [Lorelai] would get her”(1.6).  The shopping trip ends of being a disaster because all the items Emily picks out show that she does not know Rory at all through the choices of a “cashmere sweater” or a “Mont Blanc pen” (1.6).  Class issues also come into play because Rory seems to be a practical middle class person these items would not be of use to her.  Lorelai even comments that when it comes to the pen that she can “put it on the desk at her law firm?”(1.6).  The many glaring differences between Rory and Emily widen more when all her classmates have to go to her birthday party or to what is coined as an “obligation party”(1.6).

Rory, even comments to her best friend Lane that “it’s bad enough that I have to see these stupid kids from Chilton everyday. But tonight? On my birthday? I have never even talked to most of them. I have only been going to this school for a couple months”(1.6). She then explains that her mom and grandma are getting along for once which is why she didn’t want to tell her about the party.  Well her explanation is that “that would be the end of the pudding”(1.6).   Pudding through out this episode seems to represent something positive happening which in this case is the peaceful detente in the case of Emily and Lorelai.  This further shown when Deans whispers to Rory “happy birthday” and she tells Lane “I’m just thinking about pudding”(1.6). In this case the positive though is about Dean and her dating, so in this case it has romantic overtones.

But, I think their is more to the pudding than just the positive undertones, this is the shows way of trying to connect people from what seem to be vastly different worlds through the magic of food.  I say this because when Rory and Lorelai are at Emily’s party for Rory’s birthday the food does not appeal to them and according to Rory ” Everything smells funny”(1.6).  While, oddly enough Emily is enchanted by Sookie’s food at Rory’s second party.  This just goes to show the effect that a food can have on a person, and that one’s class will determine the type of food served at something even as simple as a birthday party.  Finally, it shows how detached Emily is at this time from her daughter and grand daughter, even if she is trying to bridge the gap with puddings and parties.

All quotes from this episode were from http://www.gilmoregirls.org/eguide/transcripts/episode6.html

Also thank you pinterest for the awesome pictures